해외행들 제발 연애 고민 좀 들어줘 (영어장문)

한국어로 다시 쓰기 너무 귀찮고… 원래 대화 자체가 영어라 영어로 쓰는 게 더 표현 잘 될 거 같아서 그냥 올려 

My man (22M) that I've (19F) had situationship with for 6 weeks didn't take me seriously but he would like to make it serious. 

TL;DR : My situationship who didn't take me seriously because of his past awfully ended relationship wants to be seriously with me but seems like he doesn't put much effort opposite to his sweet words. What should I do? Do I need to wait for him and give him some time or just leave?

 Hello, I just moved to a new country far from my fatherland two months ago. While just having a walk at late night 6 weeks ago, he approached and asked for my instagram. I gave it and we started to talk since then. I took him seriously from the first time we met.  

The beginning was very good honestly. We texted a lot and he asked me out for dates. He initiated definitely. But from one moment, he stopped texting and initiating. I'm not afraid of initiating in relationship, so I initiated text and dates and made plans for us. For the last 2-3 weeks, he didn't do anything first. I had been very upset about it.

 And then this happened ; I had used tinder for about a week before I met him. While I was doing shopping casually, the remained tinder account popped up in my head and accessed to it to delete the account. Surprisingly the first profile I saw was HIM. I was very mad and asked him directly whether he was interested in me or not. 

  

We had some conversation about this. He said he didn't take me seriously because of his past trauma ; He was dating with a woman in the past who just moved to the country like me. They got serious but unfortunately his girl wanted more freedom and hung out with random strangers more and more. He felt like he was holding her down and didn't want to feel in this way anymore. His past relationship ended awfully. He assumed that I would be the same with the girl. I showed my disappointment to him because he has never communicated or asked me about it. YES, IT'S KINDA MY FAULT THAT I DIDN'T ASK ABOUT HIS OPINION EARLIER but he could have asked about it too. Also he once asked me if I was having sex with other men so I thought we would be serious. (I was stupid.) Actually after hearing it, I could understand why he stopped texting me first from a moment. I once hung out with some random people and a common friend of us sent him my picture. AND AFTER THE DAY HE STOPPED INITIATING. Honestly, it was my first and last time to hang out with random strangers haha. So what a coincidence. 

  

I told him that I would not like to keep our romantic relationship anymore unless he wants a serious one. Then he said he would love to try to be serious. He said he could be totally exclusive with me but he needs to know more about me and it takes time for him to make a decision. I asked him once more about his decision because I didn't want to force someone to like me or take me seriously. He said the decision was made by himself and he would like to try.

  

This conversation was made like 3-4 days ago but Idk he still didn't initiate any dates or ask my schedule. We haven't seen each other for 10 days at this moment. YOU MIGHT SAY "OH, YOU SHOULD ASK HIM OUT FIRST" but it feels like I'm the only one who wants this relationship. I have initiated all the things for the last 3-4 weeks and want him to do it voluntarily, not by me asking him "Oh, I would want you to initiate." He had asked me for dates before so he is not shy or something like this obviously. I feel like I'm just so stuck in somewhere. DON'T PLEASE SAY "JUST ASK HIM." cuz I already told him while having those serious conversations that I was waiting for him to ask me for dates. I don't know what to do. **PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICES!!**

[행1]

애초에 지가 먼저 인스타 떴는데 태도 저따군거 좀 별로긴 함 그리고 개팅누노우 솔직히 사람마다 길이 다르고 내 기준 6주로 갖고 exclusive serious 허저고 하기 좀 빠르긴 해 매일 보는 사이도 아니라 일주일에 한두번 볼 거 아냐?? 쓰니 너무 빠른 시간에 맘 너무 많이 준 듯ㅋㅋㅋ큐ㅠㅠ 나도 정 많아서 이해함… 트라우마가 어찌됐든 쓰니한테 한 태도는 별로임 그냥 딱 말해 난 캐주얼로 만날 생각 없고 이 관계가 시리어스하게 발전 할 생각 없으면 그냥 끊는게 좋겟다고

[글쓴행]

내가 말한 건 당장 serious 하자는 게 아니라 우리 사이 관계를 serious 하게 보고 있는 거인지 묻는 거였오!! 당연히 6주는 나한테도 빨라 ㅜㅜㅜ 이 관계를 long-term으로 발전할 의향이 있냐고물어본 거였어! -> I was very mad and asked him directly whether he was interested in me or not.
아마 행이 글을 다 안 본 거 같아 ㅋㅋㅋ -> I told him that I would not like to keep our romantic relationship anymore unless he wants a serious one.

6주 지나고 사귀는 게 아니라 내 기준에선 이 사람이랑 serious 할 수 있느냐 없느냐는 난 알 수 있다고 생각하거든 ㅋㅋ... 6주 절대 긴 시간 아니지만 90 days rule 생각하면 딱 반인데... 6주란 시간이 지났는데 이것도 확신이 안 들면 난 그냥 serious 하지 않다고 생각해서 ㅋㅋ...

댓글 고마워!!! 좋아하는 건 맞는데 글에도 적었다시피 딱히 사이를 못 끊을 정도로 정 준 것도 아니고 태도 때문에 점점 많이 지쳐서 예전보다 훠얼씬 덜 좋아하긴 해 ㅋㅋ...

[행2]

Girl there is plenty of dude in the world who want you exclusively even just after first date
내 경험에서.. situationship 때 전 연애 이야기 어쩌고 하면서 찌그락 짜그락 하는 순간 전부 그냥 잘 안되더라구

[YES, IT'S KINDA MY FAULT THAT I DIDN'T ASK ABOUT HIS OPINION EARLIER but he could have asked about it too. Also he once asked me if I was having sex with other men so I thought we would be serious. (I was stupid.)] < IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT and you're not stupid ! 이 때 쓰니가 어떻게 대답했는지는 모르겠지만 이런 걸 물어보는 것 자체가 exclusive 하고싶다는 거라고 생각하는데...ㅋ 나라도 어? 진지하게 생각하나 했을듯

아무튼 너와 진지한 관계가 되는 것을 심사숙고해서 decision 까지 해야하는거라면 you can also just leave him in your situationship not relationship..
가끔은 어중간하게 끝나는 인간관계도 있더라고, 쓰니에게 더 좋은사람이 찾아오거나 그 사람이 자기가 벌려놓은 관계에 대해 스스로 '결정'할 때 까지 먼저 움직이지 말아보는건 어때 첨엔 좀 거슬리겠지만..

[글쓴행]

고마워ㅜㅜ 새벽에 많은 도움이 된다
사실 이 때까지 situationship 꽤나ㅠ많았는데 내가 좋아한 사람은 얘 뿐이었어서 놓기가 좀 힘들었던 거 같아…
근데 이젠 많이 지쳤다…chasing도 그만하고 싶고 (애초에 chasing이라기보단 pursuing에 가깝긴 하지만) initiatiation도 지겨워…. 다음 데이트 내가 물어보기 너무 싫어 하핫 진짜 데이트 먼저 남자한테 제안하는 거에 거부감 없는데 최근에눈 정말 다 나만 해서 싫어…

그냥 이제 up to him 할려고….하핫….
다음 주까지도 데이트 제안 없으몀… 그냥
맘 접어야겠다 ㅋㅋㅋ… 바쁜 건 아는데 아무리 바빠도 3주동안 내가 시감 언제 괜찮은지 안 물어보는 건에바야…

[행2]

나도 전전 situationship 끝나고 진짜 ... 백미터 달리기 질주한 사람처럼 너무 지쳤거든 하도 chasing 하고 딴사람한테 연애상담도 해보고...또 먼저 연락하는게 진짜 뭔가 여자로써 솔까 나는 자존심도 상하고 진짜 하고도 기분 안좋았거든 항상 ㅋㅋㅋ 결국 모든게 애매하게 끝나긴 했지만 내 눈에 다른사람이 들어오는 순간 그냥 싹 깔끔해지더라고 ㅋㅋㅋ 사람이라는게 참 ... 아무튼 그 남자애가 정신을 차리고 쓰니와 더 많은 이야기를 나눴으면 좋겠지만 안그래도 괜찮을거야 충분히 더 좋은 관계가 찾아올 것임

[글쓴행]

고마워… 근데 그럴거 같지 않다…. 나 솔직히 연 끊는 거 힘들어하고 거의 웬만하면 안 끊는데 얘랑은 감정소비가 너무 심해… 솔직히 애정표현도 거의 없고… 나만 좋아하는 거 같고…지쳐

더 좋은 짝 만나면 조켓다!! 고마워

[행3]

내 전 연애가 딱 쓰니 연애같았어. 어느순간 내가 다 initiate 하고 있고 이 연애에 나만 계속해서 effort 를 넣는 느낌

결국 헤어지고 6개월 후 진짜 운명같이 좋은 남자 만나서 4년 연애하고 이제 그남자가 남편이 되어있어 ㅎㅎ

인생은 정말 어떻게 될지 모르나봐~~

[글쓴행]

하핫…… ㅜㅜㅜ 부럽다…. 놔줘야하는 건가봐…. 마지막 대화내용도 내가 뭐라해야할지 모르겠어… 하하………

고마워 나도 그러면 좋겠다

[행3]

전연애에서 만나서 헤어질까 하다가 긴 장문으로 그만 만나자 얘기했더니 30분도 안돼서 메시지로 그러자고 연락오더라.. 마지막 단어가 아직도 기억나는게 adios 이따구로 써갈겼음. 연애한게 길지는 않았지만 그래도 맘 많이 줬는데 참 허탈하더라. 쓰니더 무탈하게 잘 끝내길 자라고 더 좋은 사람이 기다리고 있다고 믿어!

[글쓴행]

아악 나 왜 ptsd오지….
고마워

[행4]

but i honestly think that it was a bad move to be angry with him when the tinder popped up unless yall talked about being exclusive beforehand. i think it'd be better if you also look for other people. unless you're very VERY clearly heading to something serious, talk to multiple people, go on dates, and see what's out there. if you invest all your time and energy into one person and he turns out to be a bum then now what.
girl don't treat them like a boyfriend when they are not.

[행4]

i'd just let him be for a moment even if you want him. don't text him first, don't try to set things up first.
go out with other people!!!! get bumble, hinge and go on dates, talk to people. & i think he'll come crawl back in a few weeks and then you can have convo about how it'd go but girl honestly he's not ready and you cannot make him be ready.

[글쓴행]

Yeah i was a bit emotional and couldnt be rational at the time we had a serious convo
I confessed about it later
Honestly what i was angry with was that he just made all the assumptions about me without any type of communication u know😂
Judging i would like to say :(

Even after this conversation i dont find him putting some effort into making it seriously tbh
I’m just letting him what he wanna do If he wants sth together he will come back Otherwise its just an end

Everyone’s pace is different when it comes to making a relationship exclusive and official and I do respect his. I do validate his post traumas and emotions. I just dont wanna wait so long.

Im not a kind of person who can date several people at the same time. I will wait for a few more days and if i cant see more effort from him i will just get closure and date with others.

Truly thanks for the advice. I know well that i dont have any control on sb or sth besides myself so im not expecting nor forcing him to do sth with me I clarified to him already :)

[행4]

girl i get it especially when you're not too used to the dating culture outside of korea, you feel much differently than people there. but trust, there are so many people who are more better for you than him in every way. if you feel strongly that you want to talk to only one person and see where it goes, that's obviously fine but know that with the right person, the whole thing would be soooo easy and you won't question his intention at all.

I'm sorry to say this, but if you're confused about his intention, he doesn't like you that much...
and that's not on you!! that's on him for not communicating clearly & his action and words not matching up

& you want someone who is 100% for you. also f his trauma like yeah i know it's difficult for him but you need what you need. that's like every early 20s-ish guy's excuse and like 90% of the time it's a facade to hide that he enjoys having an access to you without a commitment

you're in a different game than korea. you'll get the rules soon, but please protect your heart

[글쓴행]

Nah, im used to this culture unfortunately hahaha
I just moved to a northern europe country from the UK hahaha😭😭

I do know that he’s not into me that much cus men’s actions tell everything hahaha Some might say that 1.5 month and 4 dates is too early but i know if ones is really into sb it’s never too early im getting closure rn honestly 😭

Thank you again xx

[행4]

omg girl we're probably very close actually!!! sorry for assuming about korea haha
but yah there are so many dudes that pull this omg it's an epidemic but just don't put it on yourself!
it's so difficult to be nonchalant sometimes but apparently we need to be like that

[글쓴행]

4에게
OMGGGGG hahaha
DEF I don't want to chase after sb that doesn't give a shit about me and also don't want to be seen as a CHASER AHHH im a bit tired of men in this generation haha They always make excuses not to fully commit cmon They are grown up adults but act like elementary school students COMMUNICATE AND GROW UP MEN

[행4]

글쓴이에게
frrrr like i get it if you want something casual or even non-monogamous but you have to communicate beforehand not just messing with another person's emotions like plsssss do better
but im in my mid/late 20s, and i think they do get better or at least you learn to avoid red flags much early on

[글쓴행]

4에게
yeah, I mean both of us are young I'm just regretful recalling all the men that I have rejected due to him I was real stupid u know Now I feel like this is just waste of time to put more effort into making this work Today im kinda sure that he dgaf lol He has actually displayed his red flags and I kinda ignored those somehow
YES, OFC IT HURTS BUT I MUST MOVE ON I hope my mid 20s dating experience would be better